shhh…

You are my everything..

My Nothing at all..

My heart break..

The beautiful melody i cant get out my head

You make me fall

i try to stand tall

my heart shes second hand

from all those times of being forsaken

i need you by my side

speak now or forever sshhh

your fingers on my lips

i’ll never taste again.

Demon Wish

This Life Of Winter Storms
Has Pulled Me Back And Forth
I Feel Like a Lost Soul
Beaten, Battered & Completely Torn
Insert Your Cankered Believe In My Heart
Let My Dying Wish Be Known As A Demon Form
Vomit, Dispute Everything You Could Ever Be
Belief Has Me Torn Limb From Limb.

I have realized the reality..

As I sit in the car waiting for my day to begin, I start realizing that I am not alive because I want to be, I am alive because it is expected of me.

The amount of times I have found myself smiling when thinking that if I die right now, there and then, my soul could finally rest, my mind would finally stop processing thoughts and I would not have this heartache every single day. I don’t know how long I will be able to keep smiling knowing it’s a lie and knowing deep down that this life I have chosen for myself was the biggest mistake ever..

I am not alive because I want to be, I am suffering and people don’t always understand that. They don’t know. They will never know.  I want peace and quiet. I have completely given up on myself.

But I can’t tell my friends or family about this, no. I will just be a failure in their eyes and it will be “selfish” of me to think such things, but yet again, it’s what the universe expects from me.

I want quiet, I want to rest.

I have too many people expecting me to not give up and here I am, no smile on my face, not wanting to talk to anybody, but I am doing what everyone else expects of me, im alive and “fighting” .

At the end of the day I also have to come to the realization that if I leave this life, I will leave behind so many people that do care about me.

But I am still sitting here hoping for better days.

Maybe this will happen soon enough.

Greg Watson, The boy that never should have Played Drums.

Greg Watson, The boy that never should have Played Drums.

This is my Boyfriend, Greg Watson. As you can gather from the picture, he is in his happy place doing what he does best, Play Drums.
He is in a Thrash Metal Band called Casket SA.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret… He has Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease, which means he should not even be able to play Drums, Yet… Look at him…. Pushing himself beyond his limits.

I am so proud of him.

I took this picture at one of his gigs and i made a few edits.

Wandering Eyes and Burning Lips

Wandering Eyes and Burning Lips

This is a Picture i took of myself.
Not interested in the original, but what came from a simple edit.
Absolutely nothing personal attached to this picture, just a silly little “story” .

” My Eyes wide with hope, My heart searching for Love, My Breath cold as ice and my lips burn with your secrets. Kiss me one last time, Before you leave. Kiss me one more time into infinity. “

5 years and we still have nothing to say to each other

together 5 years, not because we really wanted to even if we fooled ourselves into thinking it was what was what we wanted, no.. but because we had decided to bring a child into this world. very selfish of us, i should admit.

been separated for almost a year now, after the separation we were fine, we knew this would happen and we accepted that, then overnight you changed and yet again.. you were the man i stopped loving.

together 5 years and you don’t even say a simple hello to me?

pathetic i must say.

but this is the life you have always lived. just like your mother.

and all i ever did, even when i walked out, was care.

Clearly if it’s easy for you to start treating me like a worthless piece of shit next to the road, you never really cared about me.

and yet i still do.

i guess i was just a test drive for you.

And that’s alright.

You are so perfectly imperfect

You are so perfectly imperfect,  The way your jaw lines when you smile, the twinkle in your eyes when you get excited, your fuzzy hair!! Ehrmhergherd….your hair!.. your imperfections I find so incredibly beautiful, but how do I tell you that I don’t want to miss a minute without you,  that I can’t get you out of my head..You make me see so many things differently right now, especially music.  And the way you look at yourself and call yourself useless… clearly you are not seeing what I am seeing because you are fucking amazing ,not only as a person, but as a musician.  People will judge, I know they will, that is society, you can never do anything right in anyone’s eyes,but I don’t care when it comes to you, I wish I could tell you how much I really like you, but I feel I can’t just yet.. for once I don’t want to force anything,  I just want whatever this is to happen the way it should.  I want you to make it happen, because it feels like everything I touch I break. I can’t remember the last time I actually laughed so hard, enjoyed myself in just one persons company. I have never met someone so chilled.with daily stress you sometimes forget to just sit back and smile..laugh about a shitty situation,  you seem to take it as it is.  I love that.  I like you.  You call me beautiful nonstop, especially on days I feel like absolute shit and when you say it,I actually want to believe it, because it feels like you really mean it. You make me forget about my issues, cheer me right up. I think you are officially the coolest person I know.  I’m so fucking happy I have met you . Man, my life would be boring as shit without you.  I don’t know, I’m just saying, because it’s better for me to write these things than say it. Image